i owe you big time

how do you be grateful to someone you cannot see?... how do you give thanks for the happiness you received without really asking?... i want to know how. i need to give back.
have you ever got help when you least expected it and didn't even know when that happened. someone just has that crocin in the train when your head is going to rip apart. or you get a lift when you're really late for that meeting with your schizophrenic boss. you're so happy for the timely help but sometimes don't get the chance to say thank you. i call these help machines- angels. they're sent by my bEST friend exactly when im going to go down the drain.
i had a recent incident when i was in a small l'il massive mess and was just going on without much help. i knew i needed the help but the talkative girl that i am...i wouldn't say to anyone. but how long will your bEST buddy just watch you die slowly from within? mine didn't wait for long, timely help was on its way. i had one of the bestestest conversations with this total stranger! i don't know how i managed to talk so much. it's not like me to open up this easy. but you obviously know that your bEST friend knows you better than you know yourself. so they truly do have the perfect remedy for all of your ailments.
my conversation made my come to face with all that i wasn't seeing earlier( yes, i know, how cliche!...but life sucks!) so...anyways... the conversation ranged to a myriad weird things and it spanned a myriad other non- weird things. i need to tell you that i haven't been this free in my mind before. there was this distinct moment in all of this conversation that i felt a huge load off of my chest (i kno im back on the cliches! but what the **ck!). i was so happy!
such a small word, used in so many varied contexts but thats how i felt, and a million other things and not being able to contain it in any other word but happy. i felt relieved, confident, new, excited, alive and yeah very beautiful. but i think 'happy' with my eyes twinkling just sums it all. you know what im saying don't ya?

there was this pang inside coz i haven't thanked my angel. not that i didn't give it a chance, i wasn't given one. i don't know why. i think i deserve that chance, i'm not ungrateful! it's been on my mind ever since, of how to say my thank you. okay. think of this...suppose you were hanging from this cliff on the branch of a dried out shrub and were screaming for help (i kno, i kno, melodrama and filmy! but again **ck!) and then outta the blue this hero comes and saves you. all you can tell him is thank you. but that thank you will have so much more attached to it. its that kinda thank you that i want to tell my angel. do you get an idea of how important it is for me to thank my angel?

it feels very restless from within. i had my chance but couldn't do much about it. for reasons best known to me (the talkative me doesn't talk very much. remember!). i take this chance to thank my angel. i need to tell you that i owe you. i owe you big time. if ever you think that you need something or someone, don't ever think twice before asking it of me.

its the time of year when i love to be! no its not the mid of november that makes me tres happy but its when weddings are taking place left right and center. i simply love it!!! starting today till the end of the year i have five weddings to attend. the happy phase ends with my own brother walking down the aisle. i don't really know if that is going to be a happy parting moment ... but what the heck!

i've been prepping for the weddings since the past two months. my dresses are under construction. i've used better curtain cloth this time. i'm goin to have a blast at all these functions. This is the time when my entire family comes together and stays together. i love the games that we play, the songs sung, the jokes cracked, the food cooked and eaten...im nostalgic now! sniff!

these are times, when little is more, smiling is second nature and time is not running through your fingers. its moments like these that'll make me live a lifetime in a flash. i could sacrifice any other commitment just to be with the ones i love. the liveliness in me can't be matched to any other.

what i would give to see the same happiness in all phases of life...not just my life but even my neighbour' s life. family and togetherness can make any mountain surmountable. these same securities in life can make my world so much more safe to be. silly thoughts of anger don't always need to get a physical vent coz more often than not these vents are violent seeing the destruction of many and innocent.

pray all that you can. pray all times that you can. i'd love for love to rule the world.

my wait is now over

oh wow!!! i've been waiting for u a long time now! kinda realised that i missed u too. how were you doing???? guess you missed me too much. shouldn't have stayed away so long yaar!
i guess thats why the intensity! well, i didn't ever think that i could be soooo stuck a rut for two consecutive dayzz.. man! i guess im good at messing up my messed up life. ( the negative by negative makes a positive funda doesn't work with life). two days of fu*ked up non sense...im not used to it...and u can't flood me with a load of it on two days in a row! not fair! i protest!!!

but its weird how i didn't lose my cool. i just kept laffing and giggling like a jackass...(jackass....jane and jackass do a good pair...are u even listening to urself?) oh yeah! and amidst all this utter non-sense the most funny things tend to occur...it makes u look at the insanity in a totally different light!

neways...getting to describe my purrfectly ****** day... i reach late to office and just have this extremely wierd feeling deep down somewhere that the rest of my dayzz in the month of november ain't going to be really nice. and guess what...of all the times that i could be right...i was right bout this 'weird feeling'. purrfect i say...

my crappy day starts wen a dumbo tells me he hasn't done the work he promised me he would do the day before y'day. and now he tells me it was a mistake to even consider a story in the news that he offered..(oh really is it???? and now this piece of knowledge dawns on your stoopid mind!!!). but since i made a commitmetn bout the story, i can't back out now! so there is a full abck up plan (not really, thats just what i kept telling my l'il brain)

then the whole plan again goes down the day...im only going round in circles..my boss is breathing down my neck... its hot man!!!!

you'd think i would have gone through the day fuming...oh no! i looked at another prospective story. and got at it with full gusto. its coming through. im getting all the dope that i need, things seem to be shaping up, there's a slight hint of a smiling happening at the edge of my lips. but then you missed me for sooooo long, you wouldn't leave as easily would you. after all the dope is with me and im set to write my story. and there you're back again. i can't do this story too, why, coz someone has a problem with free publicity, that's why. (its a mad mad mad world!). the day ends with a prospective story coming in late at night. im told to file it at the ungodly hour that it arrives. i wait...wait...and wait! there is no ungodly hour for tonight.

no story details arrive even next morning. but just as i am travelling in the ever timely train system of Mumbai does the detailed email arrive and opposing party already has the story put up! i get the call from big boss. he's now breathing fire (dragon style...hee!hee!). gosh could believe i had such a long day. its lasted well over twenty four hours. and guess what im still as square one. doesn't that sound promising... im hoping the rest of the day isn't as messed up. wish me luck!!!

phhluuuurrrrrrr moments!!!

wow! how the day goes by. so many things at the same time. my hands are working, my feet are working, my eyes are working, my ears are working, im working and so is my mind! oh forgot to tell ya...all of these parts of are doing different things. but its my mind who's on a race. a tough race, coz im kno imnot goint o win this race. im goin to sweat. tire, hurt, fall and still lose. why?? coz i havn't heard of anyone who won a race against themselves. most of the times it feels like running up a never ending wall. each time i pull up my socks it rises up a notch higher... frustrating man!
then in the midst of all this mind toggling (if toggling is a word, but im sure u identify the emotion) theres beauty. beauty in the weirdest of things. of course i top the charts when it comes to wierdity(again if that's a word), but this beauty makes me see the joy in all the frustration and has me smiling again. when i realise the oddity of the situation im not smiling anymore but laffing at the craziness that life offers.

mommy made me proud!

i've always wanted to give back all that my mom did for us. i know i won't be able to ever do that, but at least try to do some of what she's done for us manic kids. i don't know how i'll express what's my idea. i guess the latest master card TVC says it all and says it best. where this guy takes his parents to the amusement park and sees them become children again. i have huge plans of what i want mommy dear to do, and where im going to send her. let her splurge all that she wants, enjoy all that she wants and do stuff that she never thought she would do.

well, i'm a special kid and my wishes are granted pretty easy. my mom's on a holiday to goa. this is with her company and its a compulsory trip. since my mommy darling is on the fatter side and her achy braky joints are troubling her she decided that she's NOT going to be part of the dancing dhamaka that happens during these trips even though she loves to groove to music..... two days into the trip and i get an ecstatic call from my mommy who's sounding like an eight year old. "rani girl! guess wat i just did!!" "mom what are you talking 'bout?" " i just did absailing and valley-crossing! and oh-my-gawd did i enjoy myself or wat!"

i had stepped out of my office when i received her call and sat myself down on the pavement when i heard what i had just heard! i was all ready to cry. my 53 year old, plum, osteoporosis inflicted Mom had just gone down a rugged mountain and crossed a river .

whoa! i was so happy! it was a moment i didn't want to miss. felt so horrible that i wans't with her when she did it. but what the heck! i'll have pictures to look at! im waiting for her to get back and re-live her child-like moments again.

blues...

unproductive, wasted, lost...that how i'm feeling.
like a piece of furniture... but without any basic purpose


there are two sorts of people- one sort that is happy without purpose and the other set that is happy without purpose.
they sound the same but the intricate meaning is different.
i like to be happy...its a feeling that comes easy to me.
but i don't like to be happy when i'm of no obvious cause or help.
when i'm not doing any work at my work place...just sitting, whiling away time...
there are a million other things that i could be doing someplace else...some other way.
but the norm says that this is where i should be.

how long does this continue?
for how long will i have to conform to norms that do not appeal to me in any sense?
for how long do you live for others and the rules set by them?
when do you get the authority to do things your way?

we listen to the rantings of someone whom we consider an idiot behind his back...why are we doing that.
our lives are in such a desperate state that you have to listen to an idiot?
how much of an idiot does that make you?

fakery is a serious offense,
we all need to be booked and be doing jail time.
utter fakery is what we're good at.
smiling when not wanting to, nodding when at total disagreement,
grinning when someone's standing on your toes.
utter bullshit i say... but then, certain facts tell us that to live in this messed up society u need to be messed up too.
i don't know when i'm goin to understand that, or when im goin to understand it...
i guess im so mad that im going to blurt all of it at the same time and not make any wicked sense... god save me!

.......

I think I remember every moment.
I knew you loved me before you formed me.
I know you watched every inch that I grew.
I know that you kept me safe.
What I don’t know is, how?

You created love in their hearts for me.
And they did you command.
I am so grateful for their willing acceptance.
I don’t know where I would be other-wise.

I’m here now, here where you want me to be.
I’m not sure if this was how you’d planned.
But I know the journey won’t be hassle free.

I don’t know what to call them.
She’s the most beautiful woman, with the most healing touch.
I think I’ll call her MOM.

His embrace makes me feel powerful.
I know I can conquer every hurdle.
I think I’ll call him DAD.

Her eyes twinkle like the brightest stars.
There are a thousand dreams in them.
Each is a happy one and each is for me.

He beams with pride.
He shows me off to the world like there is no one else like me.
He knows all his prayers are answered.
He knows now life is complete.